Home and the many questions

Home and the many questions that i ask every time im here!!!

comming home for christmas gives me time to chill out, relax and do a bit very of much needed soul searching, its like somthing just hits me everytime im here as if ive neglected myself and i need to make up for it!

ive got allot to make up for !

and all those questions like " were are you headed? , who are you now ? where should you invest your love if at all? and really just how do you take all that emotional content you've missed out on , ascribe it to somthing physical, a face ,a landscape or whatever so you can just start to unravel it all! into somthing someone else has bee through lol so you can ask for a bit of advice!!! ive got this feeling inside and i dont know what it is , but i know its unsettled.

piontless blog i know but it helps me with the jigsaw i think.

Stonemasonry.

Today something hit me really hard.... not sure what.... perhaps realizing i had only 1 year left of my apprenticeship and then im free... or no ones concern... plus i think that my mate is leaving to travel has had an effect.

I still make tiny mistake in my work and im trying so hard to iron them out , i have bouts of crippling self doubt about if im any good at it! haha im assured everyone does and that im a good mason, i know the only person who can really re-assure myself is me , but when you know all the tiny imperfections youve marred the stone with even if there not visable to average bystander it just comes down to "its within tollerance" but u cant help but think " it should be better " and "i should be better"

i know these things take a long time to master. . .

wit money worries gone and everything smooth at the moment i can concentrate more on what i want.

i have a year to train for the next compertition, so as of today im giving 200% more with speed accuracy and commitment, this is my last chance , last year was a practice and i want to make something of myself , and not dissapoint the ones i aspire to be like.

Its all going to change, i promise myself this.

i will achieve my potential and that is an amazing mason.

gonna give it my all this last year.

ive got nothing to lose

wish me luck.

loss

I can only describe it as the hole in the chest feeling, the one where you lose somthing and like it or not its a part of you.

The hardest part is not being able to help in all this, i wish i could i really do.

You cant just cure a cancer and make it ok with kindness alone , I suppose im angry , so so angry because someone faces death, and its just a fucking economic choice by the pharmacutrical companies, when recently it was seen as to cheap to make a pill for cancers , the ingredients were so cheap and easy to esemble that the industry decided not to make as the profit was to small , and they chose to guard the ingredients.

Im sorry but anyone who disagrees with the fact that money doesnt work is just backwards or braindead! and if you do! never winge about illness and the fact that you cant afford a drug to prolong your life with loved ones because this is the system you support and voted for!!!!!!! you dont deserve it.

becuase it limits us in our abilities and it times like these the ability to help a loved one!

and knowing you cant because of countless executives business choices is evil and sick.

I need to go home i think,

Need some time to see my family while i can.

unconditional sharing

Im taking part in an allotment scheme and im really excited about it.

im only doing it because of the hard economic times and the ability to create something great for the community, to be able to create a system that other communities think wow! we need to do that! and can! to lead the way with great ambition and not just follow the rest. to think smart and design and build something amazing within budget.

With a bit of thought i know it could be great!